The internal struggle of creating

"I've got a strong urge to fly. But I've got nowhere to fly to"

-- Pink Floyd

Been more than a month without a blogpost. Despite I wrote some post about technology, what I really like writing are these philosophical posts. The post about technology have way more visits than these posts. But I won't make less posts about what I truly love just because people like the others more. The expression of what is in my mind is what keeps me sane. I've been wanting to write a post for so long, but I haven't had any idea of what to write about. So I'm writing a blog post about wanting to do something, but having nothing to do. This is a internal a knife I have stabbed inside of me every once in a while. Feel like I'm wasting my time.

I like playing the Borderlands and watching movies. But the ephemeral moment of pleasure those two things give me is not going to make me happy in the long term. But I know that my work, the thing I put effort in will make me happy in the long term.

Consuming is easy. Creating is not. Like Eric Cartman said: "Is not going to be easy, but nothing good in life is". Playing Borderlands is cool, but it's not really good, as i'm not getting real satisfaction from it.

I think that in current society, nothing has value. I can have everything a few clicks away. I don't have to do any struggle to get something. I don't have to put any effort into a reward. That's why I never finish the pdfs I have, or don't watch all the movies I have downloaded. They have absolutely 0 meaning to me. I can copy them as much as I want. Maybe I can give them some meaning to me by copying them and allowing anyone to get them as well. But in the end they are just ones and zeroes that anyone can get.

These posts are the antithesis of that conclusion. These posts are just a .txt files served in a computer I have in my living room. But to server these .txt files I had to work to get the money to get the server. I had to install and configure all the server software, had to struggle with my shit router to serve the files. And then I have a space to do some kind of self expression.

Then, after the struggling of setting up a server. I have to do the actual real hard part of the work: writing these things. I have to think what to write about. Then I have to think how to word it. Feeling is something, expressing it is something completely different[1]. After that, I have to elaborate all my thoughts. And I have to word my elaboration. So it's a loop.

Yesterday my friend Balonce$to and I had a a deep philosophical talk, naturally, the "having children" subject came in . I told him that I had one reason to have children and one not to have children, the reason not to have is that this world is fucking shit and I don't want to make my children suffer. The reason to have children is that this world is fucking shit and we need strong people.

The other day, not being so lucid, my friend Endemic told me how important it is to leave a legacy. So he told us how important it is to have a family and all. And show your family your legacy. While I agree this is important, I would like to take a step further. I would like to be remembered. I want to set a point in history. And this is something impossible to do only consuming content.

[1]: Life has taught me the hard way that saying "this character is literally me" is not a good way of self expression.

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